As a kid I was ugly, fat, poor, nerdy, shy and generally avoided by everyone who saw me. The pretty kids literally migrated to the other end of the room when I came to sit down. I knew all the answers in Sunday school, I had no sense of style, social skills or the ability to tell when to shut up.
Puberty hit. I was still fat. Still too tall. Still ugly. Still nerdy. Still shy...so a friend I knew since we were babies took pity on me and transformed me. She took my turtlenecks away and gave me a diet plan and makeup; then brought me into the popular crowd. I tried to fit in...but they only ever did three things. Talk about and date boys (eew) talk about each other (usually they were talking about me because I wouldn't date boys so they decided I was a lesbian), and picked on the bottom of the food chain...and her name was Emily*.
I may have been a weird kid...but Emily had it worse. She was a bigger girl, short, and spent all of her days singing to Hannah Montana, taking care of her disabled sister and doing her grandmother's bidding. She smelled like...grandma, adult diapers, diet pills, and Hannah Montana wigs. She was beautiful to me inside and out. Her heart was so resilient; standing strong in the face of her home life, her past demons and her present bullies...and one of those bullies was me. I did what I thought I had to as initiation into the clique, and Emily was a bet...a subject of torture, teasing, and laughter. One day, it became too much...I couldn't stand it anymore, so I turned to the leader of the girl gang I had sacrificed my soul to, informed the group that they were petty, cruel and juvenile, and stepped beside Emily. I don't know how she forgave me...but that day I gained a best friend.
Enter...emo phase. I was still outcast from society, but there were others. We had our own little dark subdivision where we could wallow in early-teen angst. My dresses were soon replaced with chains and eyeliner...like ALOT of eyeliner. Emily was still my best friend, but we kept our bond secret for the sake of my image (why she still loves me I have no idea). Me and my band of demon children met up at the local church every Wednesday to go to bible class and terrify the Youth Pastor with our Black Veiled Brides merch, punk haircuts and all-black attire. Our group consisted of the following: Clay, a 20 year old goth boy who provided us with edgy status and free Netflix. Terra, a 15 year old girl who looked the most normal out of all of us. She smoked, drank, and dated older guys including Clay. Alex...who's nickname was literally Lucifer. He went through churches and turned all of the crosses upside down. (I came behind him and fixed them because I was religious). Steph, my best friend and blood sister who convinced everyone that she was followed by two ghosts named Ryan and Stephen...and they were always trying to get into her pants. I stuck with this group for the most part, leaving my house in full girly gear only to switch clothes and makeup in the bathroom. The popular kids looked down on us...but they didn't come too close out of fear and a sense of respect.
Eventually I grew out of the emo phase and became more of myself. I got really christian and really judgmental of my old friends, and spent most of my time alone for a long time. Emily and I grew closer and closer until we spent every day together. She and I braved high school together. I gave her advice about boys, and helped her with homework; she helped me survive depression, and she was the first person I ever told about anything that happened in my life. We were fat, ugly, nerdy, and poor together... and it was the best friendship I have ever had. When she had her first kiss, she called me. When I found out I was gay, she was the first person I told. When we had a secret, we told each other.
By the time high school was over, I had done absolutely everything you shouldn't do if you want to be popular. I checked every box.
Nerd✔
Loner✔
Emo✔
Gay✔
Fat✔
Awkward✔
Home schooled✔
Christian✔
Poor✔
Depressed✔
Virgin✔
I left my home on my 18th birthday the happiest woman alive. I had a junky car I bought with babysitting money, 40$ in my pocket and a place to stay until I got my own place. I lost all signs of depression upon getting out on my own, but it was replaced with anxiety ( I think it was hiding behind my depression all along). I started having panic attacks at the thought of "adulting" and worst of all, I didn't have Emily by my side. Now I was a freak... and all alone in it.
Emily went to college and I started my gap year to work and get to know myself before sacrificing 8 more years to education. Whether its at my job, college or my social life, I still have a tendancy to be the outsider. I will never be popular...and thats okay. I have a few close friends and loved ones that I stay close to. This blog will probably never get traffic. My life will probably be just a little flame that dies without leaving a mark on the world...and thats okay. Because to me, im popular.
