PCOS

Its pointless.

The more I try, the harder I fall

Every door out of this suffocating madness leads me back to where I started

I've eaten my chances away

Just sitting here in decay

I will watch myself die

Slowly

One calorie at a time

Until I am consumed by the monster inside

Fight!

They said

So I did.

7 years and 150 pounds heavier, and im

Still

Fighting.

Counting calories, pills, strict dieting.

Starvation, binging, purging, passing out

Throwing up...ive been through it all.

The only thing left to try is surgery, or death.

But im too poor for surgery.

I dont deserve life.

My body works against me

Reminding me constantly of my reflection

My body wants me to die.

I run, and my body screams in rebellion. Painfully reminding me to sit my fat ass

Down

My skin betrays me.

I run and my mind cries out in protest

Reminding me that everyone is looking

At the fat girl on the elliptical

Who doesnt belong.

I diet. I work out. I reduce my stess

I do everything right.

Or maybe im doing it all wrong.

Something isnt right.

My womb closed, robbing me of my womanhood.

My stomach inflates like a balloon

My chin develops hairs

My skin dries

My feet ache

My heart races

My head hurts

My eyes twitch

Im tired

Im broken

Im fat

Im disgusting

I dont even recognize myself

This body is foreign to me...

A reminent of who i used to be

I dont even want to be a woman anymore

I cant look at myself.

I cant fight

So i sit in isolation

Waiting for my fate to come to pass

I urge my early death

Feeding the beast with comfort food, tears, and sleep.

Diagnosed disorders dont make them

Go away

They just have a name.

The beast thats been eating me since i was born is not he or she...but they.

They are many.

Depression

Disordered eating

HS

High blood pressure

Obesity

Morbid. Thats the worst kind.

PCOS

Its all because of four, incurable letters