Are you "that" customer?

Do you drop things in the local grocery store and pretend that it didn't happen?

Do you throw your food in the cashier's face when you're missing a pickle?
   
Do you pull out 5 feet from the drive thru window just so you can see the teens who serve you       half-jump out the window to give you your change?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, congratulations! you're "that customer". You probably have a nickname like "the mystery pooper" or "pickle patrol", and yes, a fast food worker has probably spit in your burrito and called it "mystery sauce".
Before everyone freaks out I would like to re-affirm that I LOVE customer service and I love serving people regardless of whether they have had a bad day, but I have watched far too many low-pay and part time workers being abused and disrespected to believe that "the customer is always right".

OF COURSE THE CUSTOMER IS RIGHT! If paying customers have a problem with whatever I'm selling, I will do my best to satisfy them, but I will never allow verbal, physical or sexual harassment from anyone under any circumstance regardless of how much business you provide. This article is lighthearted, and I understand most of the things I complain about here...in fact I have been some of these customer tropes (I broke a candle at the dollar tree when I was 9, but I had no money so I hid it and left the store like nothing happened).

So as long as you don't break the law or harass me, you can be as awful to me as you want, but if you want to make my day, here are a few tips.

-DON'T LEAVE YOUR PUBES ON THE MEN'S TOILET SEAT. (you know who you are.)
this rule also applies to aiming, wiping, cleaning up after yourself, flushing, and not leaving sh*t on the walls or door handles. I'm just being honest here; I've been covered in far too many bodily fluids and I would love it if you maybe...next time...wipe it up.

-Don't throw burgers in the cashier's face if your order is wrong. Your order could have been messed up in the kitchen, in bagging, or by the cashier, but some of us don't appreciate meat being shoved in our faces...I'm a vegetarian man.

-Pick up your messes. This one is just a suggestion. If you are short on time or can't do it, I'll clean up happily! If you want to make me love you forever though, help me pick up the mess on isle 4. Seeing customers do things like this brightens my day and reminds me that there are truly good and caring people out there.

-Don't EVER ask me to come home with you, ask for sexual favors, touch me ANYWHERE, or try to come on to me. I am trying to do my job. Compliments are totally cool and I love it when people tell me that they like my hair, but I didn't sign up to be objectified or the topic of conversation, laughter, teasing or bullying based on my appearance.

PRO TIP: If you want to make me smile, beat me to the punch! I always feel lighter when a customer tells me to "have a good morning" before I get the chance.

I want to have a good relationship with you as a consumer, and I will do everything I can to make that happen, but if you poop on the walls, it's going to be hard for me to shake your hand.