I Can't Take It Anymore.

     5pm. My car awkwardly parked in my driveway, important documents scattered everywhere. I sat screaming, crying hysterically and sat in a state of panic until I could breathe again...

      I moved out a week after turning 18, with nothing but a $300 car, $40 cash, a flip phone with a few minutes, some clothes, my video equipment and a guitar I've had since I was 11, and a couch to crash on. I am lucky enough to be living with my sister for 9 months until college starts, but after that, I'm going to be on my own. I landed a part time job and a full time job with benefits in the first two weeks I arrived, and in that respect I am very lucky, but I've been living on 47 cents for way. too. long. See, due to circumstances I can't control, I was unable to get a bank account, savings account, driver's license, ID, employment (aside from McDonald's), or any of the things people should have in line by age 17. So, how does this have anything to do with the current panic attack?


     I just spent all of yesterday taking the driver's test (and passing by a very thin margin), trying to work with the DMV (TERRIBLE) and working until midnight on 4 hours of sleep. This morning I woke up 4 hours and 30 minutes later to go to work, drive to the insurance agency to set up a plan (I got lost and it took 3 hours to find), register my car, deposit some cash, get health insurance, set up a doctor's appointment, and go shopping. I only got through the car insurance...and when I went to buy my groceries, MY DEBIT CARD WAS FRICKING MISSING! The cashier sighed as I tried desperately to keep from breaking down in tears in the middle of the store. I needed to look like I knew what I was doing. I always do. I cancelled my card only to remember that I can't get my car registered for 3 more days, I need to get a new debit card but I can't drive an unregistered vehicle, and I'm stuck at home all weekend because I'm an idiot who screws everything up all of the time. So, flash forward to the freak out. I pulled in my driveway and immediately started rampaging every surface of my car, wallet, backpack, house, fridge, and all over again while screaming unspeakable things and simultaneously praying for a miracle.

     Rationally, I knew that if it was truly gone, I could always cancel it, get a new one, and wait a few more days to finish my errands, but inside I couldn't stand the thought of being seen as a clueless screw up kid who shouldn't be allowed to function in the world. I know that I need to go through difficult things as a part of growing up and that I should embrace long DMV lines, heavy traffic, lost debit cards, insurance agencies, and three hour drives through places I've never been before with no form of GPS other than the directions of some stranger at the gas station, but I just can't adult right now. I can't do this. I just want to crawl into my room, shut the door and starve to death while binge watching YouTube videos and never worrying about insurance again.

     I can't take it anymore. I don't want to be an adult...so now I'm making chia seed chocolate cupcakes (lacto-vegitarian!!! eyyy), I took a long shower, and I'm going to binge watch random documentaries on Netflix for the next few hours. I need to just stop. I may not be able to choose between mutual funds or managing my own investments, or even who I'm going to vote for, but I can certainly choose between pink or blue nail polish tonight... and tonight, that's all that matters.