#hotmess

https://youtu.be/2L49WOPhAxM

GOD HATES FAGS: The Secret Diaries of a Church Girl

**trigger warning** strong language and situations ahead. Proceed with caution.

I grew up queer, Christian, homeschooled, and in the south...here's just a few entries you might expect If you ever got your hands on the childhood journals I burned at 4 am one night as a 15-year-old when I found them.

8 years old:
My best friend told me she thinks it's okay if two girls get married. I told her the bible said that's an abomination...I guess I can't be friends with her anymore.

10 years old:

I heard my dad yelling about something you saw on TV...so I listened in.
"If my kid ever comes out as gay, they are dead to me."
I'm scared.
I don't really know why, but for some reason, I feel like one day that's going to be me...but I'm not gay.
I'm not.

12 years old:

I heard a rumor today that I was a lesbian.
I don't really know what that is, but I'm pretty sure I'm not one.

13 years old:
"I'm bisexual".
No.
That's not right...
"I'm gay."
Nope...not that one either.

14 years old:

Nothing.
I feel nothing.
I can't think. I can't see. I can't breathe...and I don't want to anymore.
It would be easier if I could just die.
Maybe then I would be good enough...
Or at least I wouldn't hurt anymore.

15 years old:

God, please take this away from me.
Please.
Fix me.
I can't fix this by myself....please fix me.
If I'm such an abomination then why would you let me be this way?
But don't worry, I won't let this break me...I'm going to change; I'm going to make you proud. Trust me. I'll give anything. I'll be alone for the rest of my life.
Plus. I'm not even gay.
I'm just tempted...
I think.

16 years old:

I'm gay.
Queer.
Pansexual.
Not straight.
Whatever you want to call it...
I like girls.
A lot.
And sometimes other people too...but that still doesn't matter.
I can't lose my family.
Plus...I like being single.

17 years old (part 1):

My feet are peeking out from under the bathroom stall. Everyone is gone...so no one can hear me crying, screaming...
I met you, kissed you, and I didn't get struck by lightning.
Why don't I feel guilty?

17 years old (part 2)

I opened my facebook, but Dad was still logged in. I stopped breathing... my brother sent a screenshot that would change everything.  Solid proof that I wasn't just going through a hard time...my twitter bio said otherwise...I got careless...and now I have to pay for it.
I packed my bags, called the Trevor project, prepared for the worst, and told my parents that I would do everything I could to change. It's not the first time I've lived a lie.

18.

Every day is a battle to get out of bed.
Every day I do, I wake up to your staring...
Every day I don't, I can't forget everything you've said.

"I'll keep fasting until you change"

"People like 'that' just don't belong to Jesus"

"I'll not saying homosexuals can't be Christians...I'm just saying they don't last."

"Our culture is falling apart, and the evils of the homosexual agenda are poisoning and perverting this generation"

"I don't want them around my kids. They're perverts!"

"You're an abomination"

"Change is possible"

"take all of those perverted fags...gather them up and leave them on an island...see how long they last before they die of disease. That's how you get rid of em"

"I love you, but you are going to hell"

"Are you a practicing homosexual?"

"It isn't a good representation of a Christian image."

"You can visit, just don't bring her with you...and don't say anything about it"

"We welcome all to the table...God can fix anything, as long as you're willing to give up everything."

"Until you're living according to God's plan, I'm in spiritual warfare."

"Heartbroken"

"That's not love. That's disgusting"

"Love the sinner, hate the sin"

"Just don't expose the children"

"God hates fags".

19.

God hates fags.
Well, if God hates fags, I guess God hates me...

But here's the thing; I don't think God hates fags. For some weird and twisted reason, I got the impression that he loves them.
Maybe that makes me blind.
Maybe that makes me "in spiritual bondage".
But maybe that makes me free.

I don't know if God hates fags, but I know that he made me. And God doesn't make mistakes.

Being Messy

I'm a messy person. From how often I change my sheets, to the way I manage money, I'm absolutely wreckless. I fly by the seat of my pants in every aspect of my life and it's lately been getting me in a lot of trouble. I never fill my oil until it's well below the minimum, I don't check my bank account balance before making large purchases (mostly because I keep forgetting my damned password), I speed way too much for my 1999 Dodge Grand Caravan, I stay out way too late for someone who has to wake up for work at 3:30, and recently I've been watching myself fail miserably in so many little ways. I realize that I am just a kid out in a great big world that is ready to swallow me up, and if I come in late for work one more time, I'm going to be swallowed whole.

I have a lot going on, and I'm putting way too high of an expectation on myself for me to ever be able to satisfy my goals; because of this I end up doing all I can, but being the queen of half-assery while I'm at it. I have been trying to be superwoman...but inside, I'm just a little girl who wants to be held.

Excuses

I have really good excuses.

I have so many really good reasons why I have been completely separated from my prior commitments, but for some reason I still feel absolutely disgusting for letting pieces of who I am fall away.

This is a normal part of life.

Priorities change
People change
Things always...change...
But for some reason I still can't accept that. I see myself changing before my eyes, but it still feels so unreal to me. I have so many excuses for the things I never do anymore, the friends I neglect, the hobbies and projects I haven't worked on in months, and the dreams I'm letting die, but none of them make me feel any better. I'm still just a quitter with a 70 hour work week who couldn't make it work on 3 hours of sleep. I need to accept that right now I can't be all I want to...I can't post here 5 days a week, make videos, talk to friends, be a whole person...I just have to stop for a while and just do what I have to to survive.

So, here's my excuse...I have to do what I have to do. See you next time I have 30 minutes to spare.