*Trigger Warning* This post describes the details of panic attacks, depression and anxiety.
I'm an anti-social extrovert... and it's really weird. On the inside, I want to be the life of the party. I want to be able to feel free to approach and talk to anyone, but something always seems to hold me back and keep me a miserable wallflower. I have gone through a number of shifts in my life; first, I was an ugly shy nerdy girl in elementary school, then in middle school I sold my soul to the preppy "mean girls". In high school, I was emo, then hipster, then just a weird mix of the two, but I had friends and I loved being in large groups. I've always enjoyed having a small number of close friends (while also avoiding being cliquish) rather than having a large group of "friends" that are only surface level. I classify myself as an extrovert because I get my energy from social situations, but I look introverted because I often gravitate towards being alone. I'm not a loner because I want to be, but because I don't know how to be anything else. It's an odd thing to have such a separation between what I want to do and be, and what I am and how I appear to other people. I want desperately to be able to be confident enough to be the dynamic person that I know is trapped inside of me, but I feel suffocated by fear and negative thinking at every social event I attend. In a professional environment, this doesn't effect me. I am in control; I am supposed to ask "how are you today" and be friendly...but in my personal life, I clam up at the thought of approaching someone or making new friends. I have no problem talking (or talking too much) with the friends I already have, but I recently moved and now I need to reach out and form new bonds. I have the opportunity to build a life for myself completely separate from the one I had as a kid, but I can't bring myself to try.
At this point, I believe it would be helpful to mention that I have struggled with consistent depression ranging from severe to mundane since I was about 8 years old. I have never been to a doctor or therapist about it since my family didn't believe it was necessary. I am working towards being able to get myself checked out soon, but I haven't settled enough since I moved out of my parent's house for therapy to be an option financially. My depression comes and goes in waves, and often takes several different forms. I call it depression because that is the closest word I can find to explain what I'm dealing with, but it is by no means an official diagnosis. In the past, my depression has affected my abilities in work and in school, my social life, my family and relationships, and my ability to function in daily life, but for the past few months I've noticed something odd that I hadn't experienced in a long time: anxiety. It started when life and school all came at me at once. I was in the process of graduating, getting my driver's license, and moving out of my parent's house all at once. I started biting my nails without even noticing anything until they started bleeding. I started staying up until 3 am and waking up at noon. I started forgetting to eat all day until I got so hungry I couldn't focus. After I moved out it seemed that all of those symptoms went away, but instead it took a different form. I have a better sleep cycle, diet and personal health regimen than ever, but whenever I find myself in a large group of people I experience a feeling I haven't felt since I was an awkward and shy ten year old. I find it impossible to talk to anyone. My head starts spinning and I look for the nearest exit or sit in silence by the corner until the event is over; refusing to socialize with anyone. The room spins and the voices of the people around me get louder and louder until I feel like I can't breathe. I spend the entire night fighting back tears, hiding behind my empty tablet screen and trying to look normal. I am used to the depression by now, but I don't know how to handle this. I need to network, make connections and grow in my new life, but sometimes, I feel like I can't do anything to help myself.
So, in my efforts to set free my true personality from the cycle of depression and anxiety I have been trapped in since elementary school, I have decided to go on a journey to defeat (or at least control) whatever it is going on in my head (or hormones, or emotions, or spirit, or whatever.)
This advice piece is actually just advice for myself, but if anyone wants to witness my weird self talk, you're welcome to read on.
-based off of the studies of Alan C. Fox in his book "People Tools".
At this point, I believe it would be helpful to mention that I have struggled with consistent depression ranging from severe to mundane since I was about 8 years old. I have never been to a doctor or therapist about it since my family didn't believe it was necessary. I am working towards being able to get myself checked out soon, but I haven't settled enough since I moved out of my parent's house for therapy to be an option financially. My depression comes and goes in waves, and often takes several different forms. I call it depression because that is the closest word I can find to explain what I'm dealing with, but it is by no means an official diagnosis. In the past, my depression has affected my abilities in work and in school, my social life, my family and relationships, and my ability to function in daily life, but for the past few months I've noticed something odd that I hadn't experienced in a long time: anxiety. It started when life and school all came at me at once. I was in the process of graduating, getting my driver's license, and moving out of my parent's house all at once. I started biting my nails without even noticing anything until they started bleeding. I started staying up until 3 am and waking up at noon. I started forgetting to eat all day until I got so hungry I couldn't focus. After I moved out it seemed that all of those symptoms went away, but instead it took a different form. I have a better sleep cycle, diet and personal health regimen than ever, but whenever I find myself in a large group of people I experience a feeling I haven't felt since I was an awkward and shy ten year old. I find it impossible to talk to anyone. My head starts spinning and I look for the nearest exit or sit in silence by the corner until the event is over; refusing to socialize with anyone. The room spins and the voices of the people around me get louder and louder until I feel like I can't breathe. I spend the entire night fighting back tears, hiding behind my empty tablet screen and trying to look normal. I am used to the depression by now, but I don't know how to handle this. I need to network, make connections and grow in my new life, but sometimes, I feel like I can't do anything to help myself.
So, in my efforts to set free my true personality from the cycle of depression and anxiety I have been trapped in since elementary school, I have decided to go on a journey to defeat (or at least control) whatever it is going on in my head (or hormones, or emotions, or spirit, or whatever.)
This advice piece is actually just advice for myself, but if anyone wants to witness my weird self talk, you're welcome to read on.
-based off of the studies of Alan C. Fox in his book "People Tools".
- Rethink your beliefs about the world. In Fox's book, he refers to these as "cultural stereotypes". When we are children, we are taught by our peers, parents and teachers how we are supposed to view the world. Many of us go through a period of rebellion against those ideas, and some remain fixated on them. I believe that it is important to think critically about cultural stereotypes from every angle; not just the ones your parents passed down or the ones you learned in school. So, how does this apply to my anti-social tendencies? I somehow developed a set of beliefs about myself and how other people view me that effects my ability to behave naturally around others. I can't pinpoint where these beliefs came from, but I know now that I need to search out what those beliefs are and where I need to change them.
-Stop thinking everyone is looking at you funny. They probably aren't. They don't see the slight difference between the thickness and length of your eyeliner. Also...everyone knows you're a little pudgy. Hiding your arm fat or sucking in every five seconds can't hide your little rolls. Everyone sees your rolls... and no one cares. (This is totally self commentary. If you're not a chubby bunny...go ahead and ignore this one.)
-People in general are not out to get you. There are those who don't like you and they never will, but you can't let that stop you from trying. Rejection is a fact of life. The more you face it, the more practice you get. If they whisper about you when you leave, they're crappy. Not you.
- Don't be a social "damsel in distress". Stop waiting for your life to just happen to you. Tweet This! Friendships, relationships, and love don't usually just happen...unfortunately for my daydreams. If you're fighting against a brain that insists on keeping you locked up in a dark room without human interaction, it takes effort to build and maintain relationships. As a person who thrives in community, it is essential for me to force myself into social situations and constantly push myself to be open and honest with people no matter how stubborn the lump in my throat.
- Be flexible. In his chapter "Shrink the glass", Alan Fox recommends adjusting your expectations according to the situation you're facing. Make the most of any situation by re-adjusting your perspective based on what's going on around you. This idea is best summed up by the sentiment that most of us are familiar with from childhood: "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade!"
From the perspective of a socially awkward, newly independent, formerly home schooled kid, this self-advice seems rational, but impossible to follow. I can't waste my time on earth sitting alone in my bed feeling sorry for myself because I have no friends and wasting away binge watching on Netflix, so I'm setting out to face my impossible giant and I invite you to come with me.
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